I’m alive and kicking

Dear Readers,

yes sorry I haven’t written in such a long time. I’m still alive and kicking. Incredibly drained though. I don’t know what is going on with me.

Two weeks ago I had a dream where I was driving the car with no brakes, and Greg was sitting next to me, Jamie was in the back, and I was driving on the streets (not fast, like 60km/h) but banging left and right and couldn’t stop the car. Then the car went in(to?)reverse and I couldn’t parallell park.

Mom analysed that it’s because I must subconsciously feel like I have no control of my life.

Very good analysis Mommy!

I’ve gone from being the world’s biggest planner (I would map out the next 10 years of my life to the T!) to someone who isn’t sure of what she  is doing in June. And I’m okay with it? I think? I am really taking this whole ‘living in the present’ to heart. Just living life day by day, I only know what I’m doing in May because Grace is scheduled to come in (hurray!) but if it wasn’t for her, my May would be a huge blur.

In a way it is better to be the anti-planner, because life doesn’t work according to plans. Life is filled with punches, and bouts of randomness, things happen that you would never anticipate, the key is to be open to whatever is thrown at you.

I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling without sounding like I am a completely neurotic thing. I feel entirely spent. Completely utterly spent, but at the same time, I’m content and willing to go with the flow? And then I hope I’m not drifting, because I hate drifting, I’m the anti-drifter.

It’s not that I’ve lost my ambition, because it’s still there. But alot of my ambition has toned down, because I seriously believe that all that is important in life is – having a loving happy and healthy family. So chasing for riches and life achievements? Meh, ideally it would be lovely, but at the same time,  I just want to be content. –> which I am…

That being said, I’ve come to terms with staying in Bangkok. So I am going to force myself to get out there and date!  Stop rolling your eyes, I said I will, so I will. Just when and how and with whom…that’s a whole other story….

Do you really think I won’t?
Stacy

Writing a Love List – advice from a hopeful.

Dear Readers,

Wow, I am just really surprised that I got 62 hits on my blogsite just from my short brief post of  “How to get lucky in love“

There are alot of us out there looking and hoping to get lucky in love. And if you did read the article, there was a brief mention of writing a love list.

When I googled “how to write a love list” , there wasn’t much material on the topic. So here I go, contributing to the magic ‘How To’s’ DIY Love articles .

Check out these two articles on Oprah.com
The Love List  (really lovely story)
The Truth about Magic Lists

My previous Love List
So, thinking back, I do have my own personal experience with writing  a love list.  It was back in … 2002, when Rita, Heather, Andrea and I -  sat down and listed 99 qualities of our ideal man.

Most were really silly like:

11. is tall (er) <–(note: for Rita and I, this isn’t a demanding requirement at all)
12. know some magic tricks
47. know how to play guitar, or be able to serenade
or..
68. have eyes that pierce into the deepest depths of our soul (Heather made that one)

And at the bottom of the list, we wrote
For candidates who have a score below 95 – Don’t bother us.
For candidates who have a score of 95 – 99 – Date-able.
For candidates who have a 99 score – Marriage proposal expected.

hahah or something to that extent. And we printed the list in colour, and taped it on our dorm-room doors. I bet it scared all the men away. 

hahaha…good times…good times…

I think it was 3 years back when I realised, you know what? screw lists! I have to be more open minded about who I date, not if he isn’t this…isn’t that. Who cares?  Love should be unconditional and non-judgemental.

Correct, non?

My thinking is, if there is a list or..criteria…then..there is bound to be  some men who are splendid and wonderful (LADIES – think positive, THEY MUST EXIST!!!) that fall outside my criteria range. <–because I might not know what I really want.  And in that case, they will be  ignored?

So since then, I don’t really have a distinctive ‘type’ of man in mind. All I request is for him to be caring, loveable, and geeky.

Anyways, back to writing the love list. The point I was getting at, is up to this moment, Mr.Ideal from 2002, has never surfaced. The reason for this was because back then, the list was quite shallow…

Getting in the right mind-set…realising what we really want in that special someone.
According to that Oprah article, our inner-self has  3 overlapping circles. (like this diagram) 

1. The Shallows 
2. The Ring of Fire
3. The Core of Peace

(STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES. )

If you ask me, that article is damn bloody confusing. I found a much better article to explain it, click here

Stacy’s interpretation of unclear new age lingo:
The Shallows - we want more money, we want to drive a better looking car, date rich people, date slim girls (ARGH I CANT BELIEVE PEOPLE POST THAT AS A REQUIREMENT IN THE PERSONAL ADS!!!!) Getting the drift? Everything concerned here is surface level only. We are defined by what we own, what we are in terms of our career.  At this level,  we chase material items to increase our happiness.

The Ring of Fire - An emotional process we have to go through. Literally, some form of hell, some sort of loss that will shake us up and make us realise our core of peace. 

The Core of Peace – So after walking through and surviving the Ring of Fire, we can realise our core essence. If you shed away all the material possessions you hold that you feel define who you are. Your values. Your character. Your dreams. Your pure self.

Finally getting down to it…drafting that Love List
So ideally, for the love list to work. We have to list 100 qualities we want in our special partner in terms of REAL Genuine terms.

For example:

Love List no-no’s
1. Make enough money for us to afford 2 cars.
2. Come from a rich family background.
3. Have a slim slender body

Love List-ables
1. Have similar family values.
2. Have a good sense of humour.
3. Be a conversationalist.

Also, I also read that, when we make lists, we should omit the words, “don’t” “not” from our list.

For example, if you know you don’t want to date a cheap person, then write, I want to meet someone generous. 

I guess we have to focus on what we really want in our ideal partner, qualities, traits and characteristics. Do not focus on their possessions, or anything that is temporary.  

 Writing the Love List
So get a piece of paper. (preferably lined). Or if you prefer, open up MS Word, and start listing out ONE HUNDRED real and true qualities you look for in your ideal match. 

When you are finished, put it aside, and see whether your ideal person will walk into your life.

The idea is, you channel and clearly tell the universe what you want, and the universe will give it to you. (THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!)

I didn’t expect this blog post to take so long to write (its now almost 2am!)  I’m going to sign off and sit on my bed, with my pen &  paper and write my love list. I am a bit boggled how on earth I’ll come up with 100 qualities (because honestly at the moment I only have 3 – loveable, caring and geeky)

Whatever you do. I say, hide the list. So that no one knows it except for you. Because, you can imagine the psychotic nightmare of someone finding your list, acting out all those qualities and tricking you into falling in love with him/her! (Fine, I admit, I watch too much TV…but still… you never know.)

If your love list does work, please let me know. I’d be super interested to find out, and it’s always lovely to hear a romantic story from time to time.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved.

Good luck and may love flow into our lives

Your romantic hopeful,
Stacy

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny.

Dear Readers,

I was hanging up my skirt (yes starting to hang up clothes…they are starting to pile..). As I opened my closet door, “Stacy’s 2009 Resolutions” appeared right in my face (I like to stick things on my walls/closet). 

I read through all my resolutions, and my affirmation bugs me a bit…

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny

I mean…I kinda am, but I kinda am not?

For example, say I really really liked this one person, and wished for something to come out of it, and did everything in my shy power to see it happen…it ended up not happening. It takes 2 hands to clap right?  Where is the 100% control then?

Or another example, this job thingy, really wanted it…worked hard getting it, did all the necessary/required homework for it. and it just wasn’t in the cards?

It wasn’t in the cards…

I guess that sums it up.   

This whole week I’ve been bitter about this bollocks 100% control of my own destiny thingy. And now I am kinda realising that I have been misinterpretting the whole thing. Destiny is fate and chance. Whereas I used to (up until 1 minute ago) define destiny as what I want.

Its quite a conflicting affirmation to have, because on one hand because I have 100% control – meaning that I direct what my future will be. But on the other hand, the inherent nature of destiny – meaning that my future is somewhat in the hands of fate and chance.

Can I  just say what I want and it will manifest itself?

Can I state what I want, do all the necessary steps to set myself up for an opportunity then  that said opportunity will manifest itself? but if it’s not meant to be…will it never manifest itself? ever?

Today, Pam wrote me an email that helped me put things in perspective (thanks babe!) I’m not going to somehow magically change my mood to positivity and dust all the saddness under the carpet. Because, like Pam says, its human to feel sad.  When I’m done with that, I’ll just pick myself up and start focusing again.

I’m going to make an active decision to try to think the best of whatever comes about, and if my emotions do sway, then I’ll just ride the tide.

Resolution 10: I am happy with life and open to the world.

Goodnight and thanks for reading ,
Stacy

Heartbreak of 2009

Dear Readers,

Yay! Back from HK, I have to say, that the warm Bangkok weather is extremely comforting as opposed to HK’s frigid weather.

Although, I have lots to update and report about Cat and Charles’ wedding, I’m going to refrain today because I’m feeling extremely low.

I forgot whether I mentioned this, around this time every year, I experience some form of heart break. 2006 was matters of the heart, 2007 was about friendship, 2008 was earth shattering, and 2009 is about work career and just managing my expectations.

So I didn’t tell anyone this, but I did apply for a management trainee programme at a bank in HK. And all signs were pointing towards getting it, and it being a success. Not to blame anyone, but i just have a fabulous support group of friends, and my parents always believe in me that we all thought I would get it. Duc told me not to count my eggs before they hatched, and on monday night I typed, “remember all that egg counting thing? my eggs turned out to be unfertilised eggs!!” BOooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I don’t know whether it is pure physical exhaustion from Cat and Charles’ wedding, or emotional exhaustion (having all my dearest friends around me, then having to see them leave, makes me  miss them even more) but I feel as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I actually fell asleep at 730pm yesterday, then Jamie called me, we chatted a bit and I went to sleep at around 9ish. And I’m still so tired.

This morning my left eye was twitching alot, but just checked, seems like a positive thing…

7am – 9am

In the left eye, this means a close friend will come from afar.  

Anyhoo, I know that I have to get out of this rut, but all I want to do is lie down in bed forever and just wallow.

Remember how I am always saying, live in the present, and don’t see beyond a 1 year horizon? Well I was expecting to move to HK in August, and now that has gone *poof* out of the window. Really makes me wonder, am I really not allowed to think even 5 months ahead? And how much more do I have to work to get what I want? or be what they want me to be? 

And to hell with sounding all egotistic, I’m going to say it anyways! –> I had a really good resume! solid academics, and my work with AWARE looks good, my work experience looks alright (its a mgmt trainee thing, how much work experience do you need?) and i THOUGHT I got along with the interviewer quite well…

Its just really upsetting. To have all these hopes and expectations to move and change my life, settle in HK, and to have it taken away from me.

I guess it was really silly for me to shoot one arrow (one application) and *ping* think that I would hit the red target thingy (bull’s eye? is that what we call the red thingy in archery?).

boo

trying my best to not wallow,
Stacy

Burned

Dear Readers,

On Sunday I burned myself  both emotionally and literally.

I was putting the lasagna in the oven, and was lazy… didn’t fully bend down to slide it in, and my arm touched the oven and now I am branded. Fabulous, the scar is around 1.5 inch long, and I think its going to take me around 2 years (hopefully) to recover from it. Sigh… It doesn’t hurt so much, but today I accidently brushed it and the blister popped and now it’s sore and ugly.

 

On Saturday night, I had a really vivid dream, that somehow was a premonition (but with a different ending of course),  Andrea says I’m a bit psychic.

Yesterday, I was looking through my bookmarked guitar tabs, and found Will Young’s “Love is a Matter of Distance” one of my fav songs from…the early 2000s?

I don’t know why he doesn’t have a music video, here is a weird KTV video of the song I found on youtube. Wrong lyrics too.

“When my heart is open, My mind is hoping to find
I can’t let you stay, love is a matter of difference
You are too far away”

But, love is apparently a matter of distance, and I am too far away…

*sigh*

wallowing,
Stacy

I love myself today

Dear Readers,

I realised today that I really love myself today, not like yesteryears. Consequently, I’ve had Bif Naked’s chorus on repeat in my head:

 ”I love myself Today NOT LIKE Yesterday, I’m COOL I’m CALM, I’m gonna be okay uhuh!“

uh huh, I like that chorus.

Anyways, it takes adversity/conflict to realise how much my outlook on life has changed. I beat my destination addiction! (see: my previous self)

I mean, yes I have that weight loss goal, but at the same time, I am perfectly content at the size I am now, I’m a size 4! I don’t really need to be a size 3! 

Thank you to all of you who have constantly supported me and told me that I never needed to lose weight.

I kicked my destination addiction! YAY!!!!!

Happy to be living in the present,
Stacy

PS Sorry for the self-centre post ;P

PSS(or is it PPS?) – My new happiness score is 25! up 2 points! Take the quiz here

Goodbye 2008!

Dear Readers,

Yay! I finally caught up with all my posts, so that next year I can start afresh.
Today (New Year’s Eve) has been a bussle of things. I HAVE TO HAVE TO CLEAN MY BLOODY ROOM!

I don’t want any clutter in my life in 2009!

Two weeks ago, when I was in Jeab’s hometown, Chantaburi, I had time to reflect about 2008.

It has been a whirlwind year for me, ups and downs, love and hates.  Maybe my 2nd cycle (born in the year of the rat, 24 this year..) was all about growth. I’ve had to face difficult circumstances and come out of them a survivor. Not really a survivor, but im surviving. I know I said that last year but this full year working at home, going through crises after crises, being a complete hermit and seeing Andrea again, I’ve grown even more.

The highlights of this year included:

Graduating top of the class (HurraY!) no wait, that wasn’t a highlight, the highlight was getting the reward and having my whole family there to see it, and to see mom and dad cry!!!

Vicki also getting into Emirates, congratulations to her!

and my amazing 1 month holiday with Andrea!

Looking back at my 2007 end of the year post, I never imagined seeing Andrea so soon, and to have gone to JAPAN??? (I HATE JAPAN!! Thanks Andrea for pushing me to go!)  that was fabulous.

I also found happiness this year. Found one of my purposes in life, that makes living in this shithole (pardon my french) very bearable. I changed my life perspective, and now I don’t go through my previous roller coaster of emotions (and bitterness) I’m happy to be here with my parents, I want to have them around me and I want to be there for them, and if being with them means living in Thailand, then I accept it, it is part of the package.

I also stopped daydreaming so much of my future. From what I learnt this year, there is hardly any point to plan where I’ll be in 5 years, or 10 years. Life doesn’t work like that, life throws you punches and you have to roll with them. From this point onwards I am trying to only focus within a  1 year horizon, have a vague idea of where I want to be, what I want to do, but keeping it vague.

Lessons learnt in 2008:

1. Once you find purpose in your life, everything falls into place.

2. Take 100% responsibility of your/my life.

3. Live in the Present.

I am resentful for the things I had to go through in 2008, but what doesn’t break me, only makes me stronger. No wait, correction, 2008 really broke me. F*%k you 2008.

But, at the end of the day, I’m here typing, still living.

Cheers to living, and Goodbye to 2008!
Stacy

September 8th goes down in history as a downright disappointing day.

During my first morning meeting, (one of many) I wrote down in my notebook ‘2008/09/08′ and thought to myself, today is going to be a good day. (Obviously right, what 8th days are not good?)

Anyhoo, we had a super huge lunch. I cannot explain how huge, but I actually ate rice (big deal) and I did this because I knew that I’d be playing Tennis today. Note: I’ve noticed what a significant difference it makes when I don’t just eat yoghurt for lunch.

I checked online that Murray beat Nadal, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOO FEDERER! So I was in an extremely high energy tennis mood, despite this, the weather didn’t agree with me.  Dark and grey cloudy skies.

Tennis was good and fun, I borrowed my brother’s Prince racket, so I assumed that it would be magical and transform my ground strokes to power ripping shots. Needless to say, the power and skill lies in the player.

I felt the first drop of rain on my skin, immediately glanced to Dad, and said, “Dad, It’s raining!” He waved and smiled and told me to finish the basket (we hired a tennis hitter). I felt like…if I remember correctly…the Gross-Jean Vs Roddick match at Wimbledon, when it was raining and obviously dark and they just kept on playing, until Gross-Jean slipped and cursed the umpire.  We ended tennis 5 minutes later.

Went to the gym, had a body aching work out, and then did 8 amazing minutes of grocery shopping (the type where I’m sliding and running down aisles)…Had a happy chat with Mom and Dad on the way home…

And here it comes…we get home, I see my LSE exam results in an envelope on the coffee table.

WHAT A GOOD DAY TO RECEIVE EXAM RESULTS!!! The gods must be shining on me!!

I got Greg, Mom and Dad to stand behind me while I opened it.

Pulled out the white paper…took a look at the results….

….

…

….

Let’s just say that something is wrong with the LSE exam markers, because not to sound like the most prissy perfectionist bitch in the world…BUT..I did not deserve those grades. I’m an honest and realistic student, I work hard and usually after every exam I can accurately guess my result with a margin of +/- 3 points. Not TWENTY FIVE!!

I seriously believe something went wrong with the marking, or maybe that the Bangkok British Council (damn them!) did not submit all the booklets I wrote.

One thing I will never get to shake off: Picture this scenario. – A moment of after the Management exam -

***

I’ve written 3 booklets.

The invigilator has no string to tie them together. I ask her to go to her room to get it…

Sloppy Invigilator..tugging the booklets..: No it’s okay, I will do it for you when I go inside the office.

Me..grip tight…: No, I rather you bring it here please so I can see it tied together

Sloppy Invigilator..tug tug…: No no no, don’t worry, I will do it for you.

Me: Sure? (smiling)

Sloppy Invigilator: Yes

Me..iron strong hold…: Are you sure? (cringing)

Sloppy Invigilator..final big pull..: Yes very sure (agitated but smiling. that’s Thailand, service with a bitter smile)

***

Me now: Blogging in anger and with regrets.

Boo.

BOO!

To all UOL/LSE External exam takers, heed my advice:

1. Always write down the exact question numbers that you submitted on your exam booklet, and in your journal/notebook for safe keeping after the exam.

2. Always check and double check your candidate number and all those other nitty gritty details.

3. Always stare at the invigilator collecting the exam paper.

4. Always MAKE SURE THOSE DAMN BOOKLETS ARE TIED TOGETHER WHEN YOU SUBMIT!!!!

After a very sweet pep talk with my parents, and with some friends. I know i know that the exam results are not a reflection of myself (by far).  And at the end of the day, I am graduating LSE with Bsc in Accounting and Finance with a Second Upper classification.

Dad says, “it’s a step away from 1st class”. I said, EXACTLY!  I was so upset that I cried. As I was wiping the tears from my cheeks, I hear a voice in my head: “Oh, so you are a typical type A, aren’t ya?” (a very wise friend said this exact sentence to me a few months back when she was visiting)

Yes. I am an overachiever. I am EXPECTED TO OVERACHIEVE.

Thus why, September 8th 2008 goes down in history as a downright disappointing day.

Bah humbug.