And yet another Bangkok lull.

Dear Readers,

Happy Halloween! I can’t believe it’s been 1 year since my amazing, ridiculous night in Shibuya. And I have to say that this night had some similarities to last year, but overall gave me a huge opportunity for reflection.

So, I didn’t expect to go out today, and was quite happy to just sit at home and watch whatever was on the TV line up, and do some tidy up work, and/or unpack a few things. But meeting Jeab yesterday for MJ’s concert, we were in the whole ‘yeah let’s go out’ mood.

In yesterday’s loud dinner environment, Jeab shouts, “Let’s go to a place called Red docks, its suppose to be nice and lots of expats + english speaking ppl there” Ooooh, sounds nice right?  I asked what type of music they played, “It’s an art gallery, no music”

WAaaaaaaaaah, aw shit. no offense, but I bloody hate those art gallery things. I went to No Space when the exhibition was about the condition of Bus roof tops in Bangkok, and he stood at a bridge and took photos of buses driving by. Granted, Bus roof tops here in Thailand are rusty, ghetto colours, mismatched paint jobs, so I guess it is interesting. But to pin it on a wall, sell it for 3,500 – 18,000 baht? Are you serious?

Anyways back to my story, ugh…Art gallery…art exhibition again a place where I totally speak on different levels with the people there, I wasn’t looking forward to it, but thought, hey, Jeab really wants to go, okay let’s go. Party flyer said – HALLOWEEN! 7pm-12midnight, and listed all the bands that were playing la la la…

So in my true Halloween spirit, I threw on my Kimono , Jeab helped me with my makeup, and went as a Japanese kimono lady (You could say I was a geisha, but I’d prefer if you didn’t.) I even tied a pillow at my back. (Grego will give me the photos to upload later.) And it was nice to go as a Japanese person – in tribute to my fabulous Halloween of 2008!

Anyhoo, what is the whole point of dressing up in Bangkok. At 9:30-ish (it’s always good not go so so so early.) we managed to find Rain Dog – which is this house turned gallery turned live band place situated in this deep dark alleyway along side the highway. And as I am driving…approaching the Rain dog sign…we hear music…but we don’tsee anyone there.

Stacy: Jeab, look at the empty tables…there are EMPTY TABLES
Jeab: Let’s go inside anyways since it is nice to see the art gallery.

So I took off my kimono because i REFUSED To walk in an empty room looking like a fool.

Picture this setting:

 an open air rundown house…with funky furniture…good retro music playing…a ceiling fan swinging,….turn your eyes to the left to see  empty chairs and tables, turn right…again…empty chairs and tables…and look ahead beside the bar…a waiter, sleeping in 1 lounge chair with his mouth open.

FABULOUS. One look at that I just walked straight to my car.

I was still in a good mood, determined to have a good time, and then as events unfolded…it turned out, we had no clue where the Halloween parties were! And I looked to my left, and saw my one friend, and it really hit me like..Wow, look how my life has changed in the past 2 years. I’ve morphed from a social butterfly to a natural born loser?

No wait, I take that back, I know I’m not a loser, more like, I don’t even know where the HALLOWEEN Party is! Geez what is wrong with me! You know what I mean? It is so different. It’s not that clubbing is the best thing in the world, and I can tell you, I’m quite tired of it, but I guess there is a huge social aspect lacking.

Maybe it’s 3 am and I can’t articulate my feelings, but in short. It was damn damn depressing!

Jeab made it up to me by taking me to ZENSE which is such a beautiful lounge place at Central World Plaza. Would recommend it to anyone. But it wasn’t the same. And I’m the ONLY on in the whole lounge wearing a costume ( I basically had my sheer tank top underneath my kimono so I couldn’t take it off.) and I don’t mind sticking out like a sore thumb at all. But I guess, today was just one of those days that I could add to my “Days where Stacy feels she doesn’t belong list.”

And so I guess my conclusion to this Halloween is that, it left me feeling a bit down and about.

Hermitising yet again,
Stacy

 

A trip to the cinema

Dearest  Readers,

So I am not a fan of the cinema. I love movies, but  I prefer watching them in the comfort of my own home. (Because I laugh outloud, and I gasp, and scream and make several exclamations during most movies)

 So, maybe I watch less than 5 movies each year in the theatre, all the rest is via my cable subscription and through DVDs. 

Today, I went to Empourium to watch THE UGLY TRUTH, with Jeab. And I have to say, it was firstly, quite a disappointing movie, but secondly, it was a huge eye opener for me. Eye-opener in the sense where, I am sitting in a room filled with people, and when I exclaim, or laugh, it’s all silent, but when the whole crowd laughs I’m like *smile* or “….???”

It is so odd that the laughter is mismatched or delayed. And I remember talking to Marcus about this once, is it because of the subtitles maybe? Or they don’t get the American-cultural references?

Today I found the whole crowd laughing at Katherine Heigl’s expressions – a true sign of a good actress, that she doesn’t need words to express emotion. (I really like her, watched her since ROSWELL!!!)  Or they would laugh at overtly obvious XXX jokes (not my type of humour)

At any rate, now, whenever I go to see a movie in Thailand, I really feel like, “wow…I don’t belong here.” and I wonder, so if I was back in Canada, would I be laughing with the group, or … also be out of sync?

When you go to see a movie, do you laugh at all the appropriate cues?

After the movie, we went to have dinner at this small Kebab place opposite Capitol Club, it was nice and homey, and the restaurant owner (Iranian) was so welcoming, and shared Persian Tea, Shishia (sp?) and homemade cookies with us after dinner! very friendly, and the food was authentic too.

At Jeab’s place, we watched this movie called Feast of Love (with Greg Kinnear…i LOVE HIM.) and instead of Thai subtitles, we selected Chinese subtitles.  And I gotta say, man oh man, are the chinese subtitles super off or what. There was this part of the movies, where the couple just finished s*x and

the lady asked: “So where is the ladies room” (as in where is the bathroom)  Chinese subtitles wrote “`你的女朋友在不在’（is your girlfriend here?)

Wah…

Really lost in translation. Frankly, I’m super impressed with my chinese subtitle reading ability (60%) but it is really funny how it is so off! So maybe the thai subtitles are bonkers.

You know, Michael Jackson’s THIS IS IT concert is coming up, the tickets aren’t expensive, just 160baht. But I’m thinking…is it worth going to see? Because what if the whole cinema is just really quiet and deadbeat. I’m really not looking forward to that. I rather wait for the DVD to come out, and have a dance party at my house, sing-a-long, you know the whole works.

Wow it’d be so nice to dance and sing along in the cinema though. I wonder if I’d be thrown out….
Stacy

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Dear Readers,

I have been in Thailand for 2 years exactly today. And in an email session with Anna recently, she commented that it takes 2 years to fully settle down in a new place.

And I was thinking how to reply to her, should and could I say….actually that’s not really true, because I don’t feel at home at all in Bangkok. But I bit my tongue. Thought about it, and you know what? It’s true, I do feel settled. Maybe settled is the wrong word, more like content.

Content and relatively happy with my life. Content depsite the hardships and thousand mosquito bites.

Today started off like a crash course of Thai exposure. Waking up at 730am, sitting in traffic for 1 hour, taking Mom to school. Then off to the Immigration department to “Report 90 days” (We foreigners have to report every 90 days that we still are in Thailand, can you believe it?) I had to sit waiting at the Immigration area for 45 minutes. I can’t believe it! Then at 11:35am, I was in dilemmna. Do I go to one govt office 15 minutes away? or Another govt  office 20 minutes away? And can I make it before they break for lunch at 12? Super stressful! So stressful that I had to cancel lunch with Jeab (sorry Jeab!)

All in all, today I went to 3 government offices, sat in traffic for a total of roughly 3 hours, and sat waiting in government offices for a total of 3 hours. I was all by myself, so I had to getby with my limited Thai. Which I have to say, Today I found out it isn’t that limited! Woohoo! I am scared and ashamed to think that maybe, just MAYBE my thai is better than my chinese. SHAMEFUL!!!!!

Thai people are generally nice people, you smile at them, they’ll smile at you.   I was lucky that I met such nice friendly women today, each government office was very accomodating and patient with me, and helpful. I was extremely impressed.

Two years passed by so fast! My two years in Singapore felt like 5 years! I’ve never lived in the same city continously for more than 2 years, so this will be an interesting year ahead for me.

Anyways, this month I’ve been a complete recluse.socially, and even blog-lly. (new adverb, use it.)  I’ll try to write more.

Watching time fly by,
Stacy

PS. Finally wrote my last chapter of my life in Singapore today.

Random blasphemous rants

Dear Readers,

I cried so much during the Memorial! It started when Mariah started to choke up, ah so emotional! And then Brooke Shield’s Speech, Jeremaine’s performance, the Senator’s speech (which showed us a side to MJ we never knew about, why doesn’t the media focus on his good points? rather than his alleged flaws) and Marlon and Paris’ words (flood gates of tears..)

I spent the following day watching the rerun and cried again….and following the rerun the TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY of Michael Jackson came on air, and it PISSED ME OFF!

You know, after the memorial, I felt, wow Michael was such a wonderful person. And I felt guilty and angry for being a closet  Michael Jackson fan. Not really a closet fan, but like I said earlier, I belonged to the “he is a pervert” camp ever since 2004.  I really admire people like Andrea and Jeab, whose admiration was so strong that they knew he wouldn’t be capable of such heinous acts, and it was all as Andrea says it, “STACY!!! ITS THE MEDIA’S MISREPRESENTATION OF HIM!!!!!!”

You know, I’m not Christian, but I did go to a Protestant school, studied the bible…and you know, the famous story where, Jesus is on the cross, and absorbs the original sin and he is so tainted and disgusting that God turns away from him, and he cries out the famous “Father, why have you foresaken me!!!”

It is probably really blasphemous for me to use this analogy, but that’s how I feel! That poor MJ was crucified gave his soul and his whole life to his fans, and the media spectacle put doubt in all our minds about his person. And so I turned my face away from him in disgust.

Argh! I feel so upset and angry! And when I saw THS on E! I felt like throwing a pillow at the TV!

I really do love Michael Jackson, his music, his overall contributions to our society, and am really really sad that he is gone.

Thank you Michael Jackson for everything and I’m so sorry you were abused and ripped to shreds, when you were such a beautiful person.

Heartbroken,
Stacy

I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

Dear Readers,

So I passed on a Salsa night, or a Miami Vice themed-night, for room dancing to my retro/motown playlist with Gizmo and Perdy.

They are both exhausted, which gives me time to revert to multitasking – deskdancing and blogging. Hurray!

I know Andrea will be very disappointed today when I call her and I tell her, “Um, my friday night was spent in my room..” when but I still have 2 fridays , 2 saturdays left to keep to my I-promise-to-go-out-at-least-ONCE-in-June vow I made to her.

Anyways this recluse-thing, it is my stumbling block that I have yet to overcome. I just really don’t feel like going out, and I know I disappoint alot of people – I mean. My one friend – Jeab. Jeab I’m so sorry! Please be patient with me!

In my reflective moods I realise I only have really one friend in Bangkok. And that all my friends are overseas. It is a very depressing notion. And, I didn’t share this before, but as I was saying goodbye to Xinhui, Mark, KL, Cat, Charles, Eileen and Chris (that day they were flying off back to Singapore from HK) I just started to bawl and cry uncontrollably. And they are all like “waah…” And then I think Nelson said some stupid remark like, “Wah look Bangkok is so bad, makes you like this.”

And when they left, I went to a bench and just sobbed for 15 minutes! And alot of passerbys were probably thinking,  ”wow this girl probably just had to part ways with the love of her life…” But then I pulled out my birthday present from Xinhui and Alvin “The Spotter’s Guide to the Male Species” and that made me laugh. (Thanks guys!!)

And somehow I really do believe that when you are with someone you end up missing them more. Because you totally are reminded about WHAT you have been, and what you ARE missing.

So here I am missing everyone and everything, and not stepping outside my bubble. (unhealthy I suppose.)

Vic sent me an email “Words Women should live by” – I didn’t like most of the list, but number 8 on the list really struck out to me:

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

A very reflective depressing post requires a major dance break. “I’m Walking on Sunshine” By Katrina and the Waves!

Dancing away my sorrows,
Stacy

Losing my religion

Dear Readers,

You are right, I am not religious so the title of this post is mostly for dramatic effects.
It’s not that I’m losing my religion, I’m losing something, but I can’t pinpoint what it exactly is.

With each passing day, I am becoming more and more numb to things.
Say for example, a few months ago I was really stressing about my chinese incompetency – because I was applying for a very good international management trainee programme.

I submitted my application on the 30th, and got a rejection letter yesterday. What a waste of energy to have been fussing and fretting so much on my language test (which was the final stage.) – only to not even make it pass the ’submit application’ stage. Tsk tsk, *deep sigh*

It’s like if all roads are forcing me to stay put, all the roads I take lead me back home. Which, I am totally fine with, but am bitter that I was pushed away only to come back dejected and rejected, bruised and battered, basically very deflated.

And the WEIRDEST revelation these past weeks –> how different I used to be, or rather, what people thought of me. I was sharing my recent change in life perspective (aka. ANTI PLANNING) and Mitchell’s response was, ” Yeah wow, you used to be all about the planning!”
And Adrian’s response was, “Yeah, you used to be pretty anal…”

Excusez moi?
hahaha so funny like….wtf? (Oh, Adrian, I love how you say W-T-F instead of saying what-the-fudge, it’s so cute!) my response to Adrian was, “Oh..right…hmm..reallly????” 

Anyways – back to my new non-anal approach to life…I don’t see life in terms of timelines, goals, targets…life doesn’t work like that. The idea (or at least my idea) is to be open to whatever gets thrown your way. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. It is as if I am stuck suspended in some jelly mould, not going forward, not going back, just staying put. Like that extremely depressing Japanese doll figure Andrea refused to let me buy.

 Oddly enough, I am somewhat content?
I suppose I’ve taken this whole “Live in the Present” resolution to the extreme. As Heather accurately described me, “You are always at EXTREMES!!! Either one end or the other!! NEVER IN THE MIDDLE!!!”

I have to find some motivation back and throw myself out there, because right now I am curling and coiling back into my comfort zone.

Unmotivated and hermitising,
Stacy

 P.S. Hermitising – Definition:  The process of becoming a hermit.  (present continuous tense, present tense : hermitise)
Pronounciation – Hermit – tise – ing  

I just made that word. Use it!

I’m alive and kicking

Dear Readers,

yes sorry I haven’t written in such a long time. I’m still alive and kicking. Incredibly drained though. I don’t know what is going on with me.

Two weeks ago I had a dream where I was driving the car with no brakes, and Greg was sitting next to me, Jamie was in the back, and I was driving on the streets (not fast, like 60km/h) but banging left and right and couldn’t stop the car. Then the car went in(to?)reverse and I couldn’t parallell park.

Mom analysed that it’s because I must subconsciously feel like I have no control of my life.

Very good analysis Mommy!

I’ve gone from being the world’s biggest planner (I would map out the next 10 years of my life to the T!) to someone who isn’t sure of what she  is doing in June. And I’m okay with it? I think? I am really taking this whole ‘living in the present’ to heart. Just living life day by day, I only know what I’m doing in May because Grace is scheduled to come in (hurray!) but if it wasn’t for her, my May would be a huge blur.

In a way it is better to be the anti-planner, because life doesn’t work according to plans. Life is filled with punches, and bouts of randomness, things happen that you would never anticipate, the key is to be open to whatever is thrown at you.

I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling without sounding like I am a completely neurotic thing. I feel entirely spent. Completely utterly spent, but at the same time, I’m content and willing to go with the flow? And then I hope I’m not drifting, because I hate drifting, I’m the anti-drifter.

It’s not that I’ve lost my ambition, because it’s still there. But alot of my ambition has toned down, because I seriously believe that all that is important in life is – having a loving happy and healthy family. So chasing for riches and life achievements? Meh, ideally it would be lovely, but at the same time,  I just want to be content. –> which I am…

That being said, I’ve come to terms with staying in Bangkok. So I am going to force myself to get out there and date!  Stop rolling your eyes, I said I will, so I will. Just when and how and with whom…that’s a whole other story….

Do you really think I won’t?
Stacy

Brick walls are meant to be climbed

Dear Readers,

I bit the bullet today.  Did something completely out of character.

I emailed the HQ of the bank – to request for a further look-into my application, and to give feedback about my  experience with their HK recruitment division.

Why out of character?

I’m the type of person who accepts rejection. I dislike persistency.

When it comes to work —> What? We didn’t get it? okay don’t worry move on and let’s focus on another avenue…
When it comes to love —>  hmm…I’m not going to call him if he doesn’t want to speak to me, why beg?

You know, I really never ever want to be the type of girl who says (when it comes to matters of the heart)

What? what do you mean we aren’t compatible? what do you mean I’m not your type? PLLLEAASE think about it.

Ugh. Never done it, but sometimes I sit back and regret that I didn’t. Something to do with having lots of pride (my downfall) but I am definitely not one to grovel.  Persistent men scare me.

That’s why today was so un-me to write an email to the HQ. I was rejected, why can’t I just accept it and move on?
I can’t because I feel that I was unfairly treated and because of ONE 小气 (petty) woman, my whole career gets thrown off track? Freaking bi!*%h!!!

Some of my friends  in the industry, were concerned that I was thinking too much about this job (too positive), they asked me not to put so much heart into it because I didn’t know anyone in the bank. Didn’t have any connections. I told them that that was silly because its a large well-known professional bank, a bank that believes in meritocracy/technocracy, they would consider me like any other candidate. *sigh* I’m a naive greenhorn.

I guess one disadvantage of being raised by 100% fully supportive positive thinking parents, is that when I did get the rejection email, their response was:

WHAT? They must be crazy! Something must be wrong? How can they NOT want you?? Must be the lady!!!
Rather than the typical. ‘That’s life, move on and apply for another job’  response.

I emailed the HK Recruitment team last week to clarify any misunderstanding (she thinks im greedy…what in the hell..) and to ask for her to reconsider and put me through to an interview with the business manager. As usual – no response.I was just going to leave it at that. But last night, I was reading Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture (RIP) and the excerpt that caught me was:

“I called the admissions office until they eventually decided they might as well accept me. They saw how badly I wanted in. Tenacity got me over the brick wall”
p.171, the Last Lecture – Randy Pausch

 

What do I have to lose right? At most I’ll be blacklisted from a company that didn’t want me in the first place.  Never give up. And as Wayne Gretzky once quoted,  “You miss 100% of the shots you never take”

 So took that shot, probably nothing will come out of it, but at least I gave it my all, and I did all I could possibly do to try to get hired by this bank. Yes I grovelled, yes I begged.

As Yeen Yee so nicely puts it (she says its verbatim from The Last Lecture, but I scanned the book, haven’t seen it, so I’m quoting her ;p)

Brick walls are meant to be climbed

I’ve been facing quite a few brick walls lately. All this time I’ve been banging my head against these brick walls, but today was the start of a new perspective.
Now, the trick is figuring out ways to climb them.

I guess I have to get a grapple? is that what it’s called?
Stacy

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny.

Dear Readers,

I was hanging up my skirt (yes starting to hang up clothes…they are starting to pile..). As I opened my closet door, “Stacy’s 2009 Resolutions” appeared right in my face (I like to stick things on my walls/closet). 

I read through all my resolutions, and my affirmation bugs me a bit…

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny

I mean…I kinda am, but I kinda am not?

For example, say I really really liked this one person, and wished for something to come out of it, and did everything in my shy power to see it happen…it ended up not happening. It takes 2 hands to clap right?  Where is the 100% control then?

Or another example, this job thingy, really wanted it…worked hard getting it, did all the necessary/required homework for it. and it just wasn’t in the cards?

It wasn’t in the cards…

I guess that sums it up.   

This whole week I’ve been bitter about this bollocks 100% control of my own destiny thingy. And now I am kinda realising that I have been misinterpretting the whole thing. Destiny is fate and chance. Whereas I used to (up until 1 minute ago) define destiny as what I want.

Its quite a conflicting affirmation to have, because on one hand because I have 100% control – meaning that I direct what my future will be. But on the other hand, the inherent nature of destiny – meaning that my future is somewhat in the hands of fate and chance.

Can I  just say what I want and it will manifest itself?

Can I state what I want, do all the necessary steps to set myself up for an opportunity then  that said opportunity will manifest itself? but if it’s not meant to be…will it never manifest itself? ever?

Today, Pam wrote me an email that helped me put things in perspective (thanks babe!) I’m not going to somehow magically change my mood to positivity and dust all the saddness under the carpet. Because, like Pam says, its human to feel sad.  When I’m done with that, I’ll just pick myself up and start focusing again.

I’m going to make an active decision to try to think the best of whatever comes about, and if my emotions do sway, then I’ll just ride the tide.

Resolution 10: I am happy with life and open to the world.

Goodnight and thanks for reading ,
Stacy

Today I’m a complainer

Dear Readers,

Today I’m a complainer. 

Jeab treated me for my birthday lunch today, (THANK YOU!!) and you know, I’m trying to make an active effort to be all happy and all. But it is EXTREMELY HARD to do so after the walk from my office to Silom Complex. Andrea understands.

I can’t take living in Thailand in huge doses.

Today was really too much for me. Walking to Silom Complex, motorcycles zooming by, passing the market, and you know what, I was almost run down by a bicycle (OLD SKOOL BICYCLE) LADY!!!! She just came out of no where and was cycling straight towards me, and I did some ninja side block and pushed her shoulder away from me!

And over lunch, Jeab was asking me, so what do you want? where do you want to live? what do you want to do?

And I feel like screaming, “ARrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh!” I seriously am trying my best to take a deep breathe and accept the circumstances that I do live in Bangkok? But it is way too much for me.

For example, when I’m walking pass the market….

1. The sidewalk is jaded, (so its difficult to walk with my high heels)

2. Freaky mosquito zapper vendor : Have you ever seen those minature looking tennis rackets that instead ZAP and murder mosquitos? When mosquitos fly into the racket they get *ZAPPED*, 50 volts of electricity (my estimate) shocks their system and they die trapped inside the grid. So…back to the complaint –> The vendor, he just stands there, with a metal wire and combs the racket, so you here, ZAP ZAP ZAP Pang ZAP ZAP ZAP. So disturbing!

3. People sitting on the sidewalk selling things/singing in ghetto microphones -> I’m not going to say much about this except state the fact. BUT – I’m a bit paranoid that they can look up my skirt as I pass by them…

You know, in December I found ‘happiness’ when I realised that one of the major things I want to do with my life is to surround myself with my family, and be there to look after them, care for them and to make their lives less stressful? After discovering that, everything came into place. Bangkok – it was part of that family package. 

As crappy as Bangkok is, I’ll deal with it because its comes hand in hand with being near my parents.

In my most ghetto pronounciation…Sic duc ham yu dei duc hot…It is this chinese proverb that says, if you are going to eat the salty fish, then you don’t complain about the thirst! BANGKOK IS SO DEHYDRATING!!!!! But yes … not suppose to complain.

Then with the whole shake up, how my parents now want me to leave Bangkok and start my own life somewhere else, throwing me away from that nest of comfort that I really need and want….now this whole happiness thing is diminishing minute by minute and I find myself spiralling into….well….just not a good place to spiral in.

 When I was walking back from lunch, I had to repeat over and over “find happiness again…find happiness again…find happiness again”

I have to kick myself out of this rut or else I’ll never get out of it. And start thinking positive so that positive things can flow into my life.

Ugh

Finding happiness,
Stacy