Guilty feelings about Michael Jackson

Dear Readers,

I’ve been having a week where I need to sit and think alot about alot of things. Be reflective on my life and decide and be proactive about things.

Despite this, oddly enough, I find 15-20minutes each day to google or youtube random things about Michael Jackson.

First off, Jordan Chandler (1993 Child Molestation case) admitted on June 29th 2009 that he infact did lie, and his father put him up to it. I’ve been reading this on a few websites, but haven’t seen it on CNN, why? Is it all a big lie? It’s weird how it’s not on any proper news websites.  See the report here

Secondly, I was reading some MJ forums, and someone said, “His lyrics for Morphine now make so much more sense”

Snippet of Lyrics (fastforward to around 2:48)

” Relax, This won’t hurt you, Before I put it in,Close your eyes and count to ten, Don’t cry,I won’t convert you
There’s no need to dismay, Close your eyes and drift away…

Demerol,Demerol,Oh God he’s taking demerol
Demerol,Demerol,Oh God he’s taking demerol”

If that’s not depressing. I don’t know what is. That was his song in 1997, what a cry for help!

Finally, I received an email from Jeab that freaked the bejesus out of me.

SO SCARY!!
Of course it is just a shadow (or not?) but the music and everything, and the very cute red font, MJ? Bye!

Anyhoo, what I was saying about this whole MJ thing, is that I really really like his music. But at the same time I MIGHT still believe that he is a pedophile, and how can I support that? (I’m venomously against child sex offenders and sex offenders in general.) Argh, so I was in the “MJ is such a creep” – camp. But now, with all these home videos coming out, and all this sad news about his drug addiction, I just feel so sad about him, like he was really misunderstood (like Britney maybe?)

I think the saddest time this week, was when I saw him in the helicopter stretcher On CNN, and when I found out he was a drug addict, it really hit me…”Oh shit…Michael Jackson really did die.”

Aieya so so so sad.

Okay gotta go get ready to watch the memorial!
Still feeling guilty for supporting him though..
Stacy

Whirlwind week – or not.

Dear Readers,

I feel like there are just so many random points during the week that I wanted to blog about, but ended up being glued to the TV, or reading my Monkey King book, that I didn’t set aside time to write.

So it feels like a whirlwind week, when I hardly did anything.

Random incidences this week:

1. I went to a meeting, and somehow my ballpen’s cap was separated from my pen, and the lady in the meeting took it and was fumbling it over and over, like playing with it, twirling it, her fat fingers…it was really really disturbing. I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive, but instead of focusing on the meeting, I was scheming how to get my cap back…

2. I was about to submit a personal ad, but then the magazine I was submitting to, suddenly stopped their personal column. I take it as a sign from the gods that I shouldn’t try that route. But it was good that I was contemplating it, and my ad was so stellar. Who wouldn’t email me? (*yawn*)

3. I think AXN-BEYOND is soon to be my favourite channel, because it airs BUFFY and Xfiles. Today I had a buffy mini-marathon. Woohoo!

4. I’m realising that I am an extremely jealous child. Or that’s the closest way I can describe how I feel. Basically my sister’s bf is always over our house nowadays, and I feel like I’m being brushed aside, and it bothers me. For example, I was working in the study room, when Mom comes in and says “He needs to study here.” and I’m thinking…um..okay..so that means I have to go?? What the ….*grumble*

5. And I commented on one of Dianna’s notes, and she wrote back like, “how have you been? are you in hibernation mode?” and I just felt very “….” when I read that comment and went on with my day. Yes I’m a bloody hermit now and I’m loving it.

6. I just read on my yahoo! news headlines that Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neil were getting married, and I thought, Yay so romantic! And unfortunately she passed away 3 days after that announcement! That is so heartbreaking!

7. About Michael Jackson, its unfortunate that he passed away. And when the news first came out, I was like, no way, he must be alive hiding somewhere. Because come on, it is so weird and random! Think about it, just what…a week or so before a major tour? And what if he went on tour and completely made a flop of himself. What would happen to his image? his history? and the legacy of him? Plus not to mention he was I heard something like 500 million dollars in debt?  So why not, run away from the media, and live the rest of his life in peace, and his legacy going on strong?

I mean this is the same argument as ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE (but technically, maybe by now he’d also be deceased, since he’d technically be..84?)

I used to be the person saying, “oh shuttup, Elvis is really dead! he died of a drug overdose!” and here I am saying “MJ is still alive hiding in some remote island!” Hahah, irony at its best. So yes, I initially thought MJ was alive, and I’m just waiting for him to jump out of the bushes and say in his creepy voice…

“hee hee! Hi Guys! I’m still alive! *white glove waving fanatically*”

Oh shoot, I should be cursed for what I just wrote.  *slaps own hand* Shame on me. But wait, I’m not finished, I saw a random post on wordpress, about MJ still being alive. And there is an amazing poll going out, “Do you think MJ is still alive?”

http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/9352/michael-jackson-faked-his-own-death/

And 52% think that he is still alive! whereas 48% actually believe he’s gone!

oh wait! I just checked now its reversed 52% think he is gone, and 48% think that he faked his death. I think it is all about us slowly learning more about how he died, and his health at the time. I heard that he had an injection of painkillers? and if you inject the drugs in your system they are there, and your stomach can’t be pumped. sad sad sad.

But maybe, this whole ‘faked his death thing’  is a testament to how we all feel about him, like how could he die? He is Michael Jackson! Immortal in every way! He is frozen in time, I was a bit shocked to find out he was 50, like MJ = 50? Waah?

But after hearing about his painkiller injection, his anoxeria, and his overall poor health, It is just really really sad! He was a very sad, misunderstood, (perverted too perhaps?) individual. But his music and dancing, and his whole impact on our lives <– super huge.

I spent today, watching some concert clips, and I’m just in awe of his dance moves and performances.  Can I do that? Not like the individual but love his music (love is a strong word here, I’m at the very-like stage) and his legacy?

I love his song jingles, they are so danceable and happy, but have you ever tried to sing along to the tunes? The lyrics are seriously wack. Like for example, I love the song wanna be starting something and there is a part where he sings

You’re a vegetable, you’re a vegetable
Still they hate you, you’re a vegetable
You’re just a buffet, you’re a vegetable
They eat off of you, you’re a vegetable

I remember being in the car with mom and saying, “Mom do you hear that? He is singing, you are a vegetable.”

Bizarre.

It’s sad that he died, and we’ll never know the real story of MJ, because he was a music genius, and he was also wacko jacko. Regardless of his personal life (which I really really despise and he makes me ANGRY!!) his music is phenomenal, so I have to respect him in that respect. (begrudgingly doing so.)

Thanks for stopping by and for reading my rants!,
Stacy

I’m alive and kicking

Dear Readers,

yes sorry I haven’t written in such a long time. I’m still alive and kicking. Incredibly drained though. I don’t know what is going on with me.

Two weeks ago I had a dream where I was driving the car with no brakes, and Greg was sitting next to me, Jamie was in the back, and I was driving on the streets (not fast, like 60km/h) but banging left and right and couldn’t stop the car. Then the car went in(to?)reverse and I couldn’t parallell park.

Mom analysed that it’s because I must subconsciously feel like I have no control of my life.

Very good analysis Mommy!

I’ve gone from being the world’s biggest planner (I would map out the next 10 years of my life to the T!) to someone who isn’t sure of what she  is doing in June. And I’m okay with it? I think? I am really taking this whole ‘living in the present’ to heart. Just living life day by day, I only know what I’m doing in May because Grace is scheduled to come in (hurray!) but if it wasn’t for her, my May would be a huge blur.

In a way it is better to be the anti-planner, because life doesn’t work according to plans. Life is filled with punches, and bouts of randomness, things happen that you would never anticipate, the key is to be open to whatever is thrown at you.

I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling without sounding like I am a completely neurotic thing. I feel entirely spent. Completely utterly spent, but at the same time, I’m content and willing to go with the flow? And then I hope I’m not drifting, because I hate drifting, I’m the anti-drifter.

It’s not that I’ve lost my ambition, because it’s still there. But alot of my ambition has toned down, because I seriously believe that all that is important in life is – having a loving happy and healthy family. So chasing for riches and life achievements? Meh, ideally it would be lovely, but at the same time,  I just want to be content. –> which I am…

That being said, I’ve come to terms with staying in Bangkok. So I am going to force myself to get out there and date!  Stop rolling your eyes, I said I will, so I will. Just when and how and with whom…that’s a whole other story….

Do you really think I won’t?
Stacy

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny.

Dear Readers,

I was hanging up my skirt (yes starting to hang up clothes…they are starting to pile..). As I opened my closet door, “Stacy’s 2009 Resolutions” appeared right in my face (I like to stick things on my walls/closet). 

I read through all my resolutions, and my affirmation bugs me a bit…

I’m in 100% control of my own destiny

I mean…I kinda am, but I kinda am not?

For example, say I really really liked this one person, and wished for something to come out of it, and did everything in my shy power to see it happen…it ended up not happening. It takes 2 hands to clap right?  Where is the 100% control then?

Or another example, this job thingy, really wanted it…worked hard getting it, did all the necessary/required homework for it. and it just wasn’t in the cards?

It wasn’t in the cards…

I guess that sums it up.   

This whole week I’ve been bitter about this bollocks 100% control of my own destiny thingy. And now I am kinda realising that I have been misinterpretting the whole thing. Destiny is fate and chance. Whereas I used to (up until 1 minute ago) define destiny as what I want.

Its quite a conflicting affirmation to have, because on one hand because I have 100% control – meaning that I direct what my future will be. But on the other hand, the inherent nature of destiny – meaning that my future is somewhat in the hands of fate and chance.

Can I  just say what I want and it will manifest itself?

Can I state what I want, do all the necessary steps to set myself up for an opportunity then  that said opportunity will manifest itself? but if it’s not meant to be…will it never manifest itself? ever?

Today, Pam wrote me an email that helped me put things in perspective (thanks babe!) I’m not going to somehow magically change my mood to positivity and dust all the saddness under the carpet. Because, like Pam says, its human to feel sad.  When I’m done with that, I’ll just pick myself up and start focusing again.

I’m going to make an active decision to try to think the best of whatever comes about, and if my emotions do sway, then I’ll just ride the tide.

Resolution 10: I am happy with life and open to the world.

Goodnight and thanks for reading ,
Stacy

Today I’m a complainer

Dear Readers,

Today I’m a complainer. 

Jeab treated me for my birthday lunch today, (THANK YOU!!) and you know, I’m trying to make an active effort to be all happy and all. But it is EXTREMELY HARD to do so after the walk from my office to Silom Complex. Andrea understands.

I can’t take living in Thailand in huge doses.

Today was really too much for me. Walking to Silom Complex, motorcycles zooming by, passing the market, and you know what, I was almost run down by a bicycle (OLD SKOOL BICYCLE) LADY!!!! She just came out of no where and was cycling straight towards me, and I did some ninja side block and pushed her shoulder away from me!

And over lunch, Jeab was asking me, so what do you want? where do you want to live? what do you want to do?

And I feel like screaming, “ARrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh!” I seriously am trying my best to take a deep breathe and accept the circumstances that I do live in Bangkok? But it is way too much for me.

For example, when I’m walking pass the market….

1. The sidewalk is jaded, (so its difficult to walk with my high heels)

2. Freaky mosquito zapper vendor : Have you ever seen those minature looking tennis rackets that instead ZAP and murder mosquitos? When mosquitos fly into the racket they get *ZAPPED*, 50 volts of electricity (my estimate) shocks their system and they die trapped inside the grid. So…back to the complaint –> The vendor, he just stands there, with a metal wire and combs the racket, so you here, ZAP ZAP ZAP Pang ZAP ZAP ZAP. So disturbing!

3. People sitting on the sidewalk selling things/singing in ghetto microphones -> I’m not going to say much about this except state the fact. BUT – I’m a bit paranoid that they can look up my skirt as I pass by them…

You know, in December I found ‘happiness’ when I realised that one of the major things I want to do with my life is to surround myself with my family, and be there to look after them, care for them and to make their lives less stressful? After discovering that, everything came into place. Bangkok – it was part of that family package. 

As crappy as Bangkok is, I’ll deal with it because its comes hand in hand with being near my parents.

In my most ghetto pronounciation…Sic duc ham yu dei duc hot…It is this chinese proverb that says, if you are going to eat the salty fish, then you don’t complain about the thirst! BANGKOK IS SO DEHYDRATING!!!!! But yes … not suppose to complain.

Then with the whole shake up, how my parents now want me to leave Bangkok and start my own life somewhere else, throwing me away from that nest of comfort that I really need and want….now this whole happiness thing is diminishing minute by minute and I find myself spiralling into….well….just not a good place to spiral in.

 When I was walking back from lunch, I had to repeat over and over “find happiness again…find happiness again…find happiness again”

I have to kick myself out of this rut or else I’ll never get out of it. And start thinking positive so that positive things can flow into my life.

Ugh

Finding happiness,
Stacy

Pre-Chinese New Year Haircuts

Dear Readers,

As a custom, I went to have my hair cut before Chinese New Year. Lately its been very dragging and huge, so much so that I usually hide it in a pony tail.

Meeting my hairdresser is always a joy, especially since I’ve lost weight. Today he complimented that I look prettier! and have a nicer body shape (thank you!). And because of this weight loss, I was FINALLY able to layer my hair so that my long bangs end mid-cheek. I was a bit shocked when he proposed to layer my hair starting that point,

Stacy: Really? Will it look pretty? (in my ghetto speak thai)

Hair Dresser: Yes! You can do it now because you are skinnier.

Wah..fabulous.

He always has something nice to say, just like a few months ago, when he noticed that I was no longer pregnant. I can so vividly recall him saying: “You have no more….*handmotion over his stomach like a baby bump* baby!”

When he was cutting my hair I told him he could go shorter, like around my shoulder?..and he happily just cut cut cut away. I should really be more vocal. I felt like saying , “Hey Buddy. enough is enough!” But instead, I sat there biting my bottom lip.

He cut away all my curls, but he gave my hair some movement, so it looks somewhat wavy? I guess that was what he was going for.

And as he was just about finished blow-drying my hair he says, “hmm…not pretty.”

HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT! <– lol, WHAT!?!?!?!

He says my personality suits curls more, and asks me to come back for the ultimate hairkiller – 3 hours of perming and highlighting. (double duty damage!) all for 3,500baht!

…

But I like my hair, its different than the usual mane I wear, and I’ve lived with curls for the past 2 years, so I suppose it’s time for something new. But then again…after dinner I couldn’t stand it, took out my curling iron and gave myself loose ringlets again.

hmm…

Anyways, cheers to the Year of the Ox and for new beginnings!
Stacy

:) Happy New Year :)!

Dear Readers,

Happy New Year!

My new year started in quite an eventful and telling way. After the countdown, we hung out a bit, chatted abit over snacks and champagne, then Greg, Tim and Jay headed out for clubbing at Route 66. Parents went to sleep and I cleared and cleaned all the dishes, rearranged the furniture so that everything will look good come January 1st morning.

Went to sleep in my newly cleaned and rearranged room, fell asleep reading my present from Marsha “The Little Prince” and was woken up at 330am by Jay, she came home.

At first I said, alright goodnight love you happynew year…then she still came inside my room to chat with me. Turns out they thought a bomb went off in Santika (a very nice club that I like to go to, went there only once though..) and so they came home right away. I immediately called Dianna and found out she was safe, phew.

Jamie’s friends and greg’s friends were downstairs so I woke up, got changed went downstairs to make sure everyone had supper if they wanted, and to watch news, and to send her other 2 friends home.

At the end of the night, I got back at 5am, sat around to chat with the boys a bit, and I was just in shock. It wasn’t a bomb, it was a fire caused by apparently some suspect fire crackers inside the club! This is Thailand, no fire retardant (sp?) curtains, or extinguishers or sprinklers. So dangerous! it makes me so angry!

What a way to start the new year! The good point is that Greg and Jay were safe from harm, thats a good sign.

Anyhoo, what a night.

Before the clock struck 12, I did write down my annual neurotic but very ’stacy’ like resolutions. And after reading Jeab’s book “How to get from where you are to where you want to be”  I realised that all these years I’ve been doing my resolutions wrongly, I am suppose to write them in the present continuous tense!

I taped my resolutions on my dresser door, in pink cursive writing Stacy’s Resolutions for 2009 reads…

Drum roll please….

1.  I am living in the present

2. I am enjoying life at my ideal weight of 56 kgs.

3. I am working harder and making a success out of the company.

4. I am starting and enjoying my new business.

5. I am refraining from consuming coffee.

6. I am working out at the gym at least 4 times a week.

7. I am working hard – improving my chinese.

8. I am practicing piano + guitar at least 1 time a week, 30 minutes.

9. I am more patient with people

10. I am happy with life and open to the world.

My affirmation : I am in 100% control of my destiny!

The last resolution is a bit artsy fartsy new age-ish, but what I mean is that I am open to whatever comes my way, maybe I should scratch that out and write open to the universe?

I wish everyone a most fabulous 2009! A year filled with love happiness and good health!

Happy 2009!
Stacy

X-Files

Dear Readers,

I never mentioned it, but I am a HUGE X-files fan. MEGA. For my birthday (forgot which one) Vick bought me an X-files encloypedia – I read it like a novel. (demonstrates how much I loved it)

And when I moved to Bangkok in 1998, there was no X-Files here, so Grace actually taped 4 seasons for me on TVB Pearl and Star World. So I have all the seasons (except Season 8 & 9 and note – I seriously disapprove of the add in of Agent Dogget and Agent Reyes)

Anyhoo, in my room I have our old VCR, and so recently I’ve been having X-files marathons. THANK YOU GRACE!!!!! I was just thinking the other day how she is so amazing to have done this for me. A true devoted friend who always understands me.

Come to think of it, Mulder (David Duchovny) was the first actor I actually liked (whereas YOU KNOW WHO is the first actor i LOVED) and while daydreaming a few days ago, I came across a relevation that most probably Mulder shaped/or played a major part, in determining my ‘type’.

Andrea would agree, I vividly remember her exasperated in my dorm room at Tatham Hall saying, “you have a thing for noses!!” haha.

I’d love to be Scully and have Mulder as my partner. mmm…

I should be working.
Stacy

Days when I hate living in this hell hole

Dear Readers,

I was so pissed today that I was close to tears.

Jeab, Angela and I went for dinner at Central World, and like a good girl I started to head home at ten pm. Guess what, we stood at the taxi stand for 20 minutes, no queue. So when a taxi comes over, we are like wild mobs going towards the cab asking whether they can take us or not.

And yours truly lives in the most outskirt part of Bangkok, hence it is hell getting a taxi. We got fed up and walked towards the front of the building (not the taxi stand) to hail down a taxi (mind you it was drizzling) and Jeab managed to wave down a taxi and before I could interject and say “Rama 9″ she told him my real address “Prawet” and he shook his head violently and put the pedal to the medal and drove off. We had such a howling laughing session because Jeab said that when she said prawet it looked as if he saw a ghost. LOL (im actually laughing now as I’m typing and Angela keeps on asking me, what what what?? hahahahaa)

No, I’m not deceiving the cab driver, Rama 9 (Rama = King, so its King 9 Street) is a WAY to go to my house, once we reach Rama 9 road, we go down to the end of it (around 5KM) and then towards the motorway for another 10KM and then get off an exit and after 1KM i’m home. So it is Rama 9 – the Rama 9 Motorway. HAhaha. anyways thats what we say.

Okay so imagine now we are standing in the rain for 5 minutes, and all 3 taxis we hail down run away from us (even when we changed the location to Jeab’s centrally located house) So I have a great idea to cross the street, we cross the “PEDESTRIAN WALK” (which is basically like playing russian roulette) and we hail down a taxi that pushes a “200 BAHT RIDE” ghetto cardboard in our face. At that point im so frustrated that we get in, and say okay drop Jeab off then go home to my place. To which he calculates it will cost FOUR HUNDRED BAHT. F U Mother @#&(*@& bastard. The meter would only cost me 180.

So here I am extremely pissed and walking in the rain for 3 minutes to the nearest skytrain. Now I have to take the BTS + MRT then Cab home. And what Angela and Jeab said is very correct, its really a state of mind, so I could had chosen to just shrug it off and say no big deal. But instead, I was like, fuck this shit! I hate this fucking place and the only reason why I’m here is because of family, I would never choose to live in this mismanaged chaotic dirty fake city. Can you imagine, in the overpass they have a sheltered pathway with RAILS as roofs, not actual roofs. This just intensified my anger, because the rain was pouring down and I’m walking on a semi covered overpass and the rain is hitting my glasses.

This whole weekend I had Jeab and Angela and Don tell me to socialise more, and expand my social circle because living in a bubble is not healthy. Incidents like today illustrate exactly why I choose to be a hermit.

Life is simply not accessible. To go home I have to overcome so many hurdles and at the end of the day its really just not worth it. Its not worth the time money and stress thats imposed on my parents and myself, that the idea of not going home with my parents when work finishes just really turns me off. And I’m not a nice person I don’t get along with people. I’m like perdy a big old grouch.

Quite upset and my weak heart is beating fast so I better stop typing and do something else like meditate to soothe my thoughts.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr,
Stacy

A revelation during shopping

Dear Readers,

2 more days until my last paper! Hurrah!

Today, I drove my parents to the airport (they are going to HK for a week) then proceeded to Seacon Square – SEA’s Largest Mall.

Largest – but empty at the same time. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seacon_Square)

And, I’m a bit superstituous at times, in this case – for every exam there is a particular type of pen that I like to write with. (for the past 5 years)

I like blue ball point pens, with 0.7 ball point.

The best one is a really simple mitsubishi pen that has a blue rectangular cap, and has a small metalic sticker on it. Super cheap too…20 baht, 0.90 SGD.

But..because of its lack of glam, I think it was discontinued because I can’t find it in many places (save for : SIM’s bookstore…ew…i’m not going back there again.)

So the 2nd best pen, which I thought was readily available anywhere, is this one:-

I like the grip, again, blue colour (but for Principles of Banking and Finance, I settled for black) and 0.7 ball point. Everyone, this is Pilot Ball Pen – BPS-GP.

So here I am, in Office Depot – can’t find my pen. Hence, I go up 2 floors to the stationery store, and you all know the typical lay out of stationery stores, they basically have a wall of mininature cubbyholes for pens.

Imagine this store: – 4 stands of pens and markers. Each stand has 2 sides, and in each side there are 13 columns, 8 rows of mini-cubbyholes, and in each cubby hole there are 16 pens.

That comes to …*whipping out my auditing calculator…*..104 mini cubbyholes…1,664 pens per side…times 2…3,328 pens per stand….times 4…13,312 pens in total.

And there I am, standing scanning all the pens, looking for that distinctive cap. Spending an unbelievable 10 minutes looking and searching. And I can’t find it!

Out of 13,312 pens, I can’t find that SPECIFIC one that I want, that pen that would give me that extra 0.5% of confidence for my exam paper. You know, the one that just fits, just matches you, and just makes you feel ‘a-okay.’ – more than ‘a-okay’….makes you feel as if it belongs with you and if you have it, you’re set.

Needless to say, I desperately do need a pen so I settled with an upgrade – the clicky (i hate clicky pens) Pilot Super Grip 0.7.

Thus my revelation.

I wonder if you are thinking, “it’s just a pen.”

well it’s not.

yawning at the sight of my study notes,
Stacy

Note: you must really know me or be at my same level of thinking to interpret the meaning of this neurotic post.